BMI Bullshit

Fat, how I hate thee. Let me count the ways!  

My weight has basically leveled off. My surgeon and my husband are both pretty convinced that this is where my body has decided it wants to be, but I'm not done yet. I can't accept it. I did not have gastric bypass surgery to still be fat. I flat out refuse to roll over and accept the fact that I am still in the OBESE category after losing 145 fucking pounds. 

I am 5' 5" tall and I was 330 pounds, give or take, at my highest. I weighed 292 pounds on the day of surgery in November 2011. Today, I weigh 184, with a BMI of 30.6. A BMI over 30 is considered obese. Oh, HELL no!

I'm not happy with the number on the scale, nor will I ever be. I realize this. My thinking is flawed, I'm slightly sick in the head, and I am totally delusional. Reality sucks a good portion of the time, so I do prefer to live in my own little bubble, but there are things that I know must be faced. This is most definitely one of them. I will NOT still be obese after bypass. 

I did some calculating and I would need to get down to 150 to even hit a BMI of 25, which is the start of the "overweight" category. Really?! I would die if I were to see a number that low register on my scale. A number that low seems unattainable and the thought of even attempting to get halfway there is daunting. How can I lose another 40 pounds? I've been stuck in the 180's for way too long now and I just don't know if I have it in me to lose that much more. I want it, trust me, but do I have the chutzpah to go for it? Do I have the strength and determination to actually make it happen?

As far as motivation goes, I'm either all in, or all OUT. There is no in-between for me. I'm either a manic mess of clean eating and hardcore exercise, following rules to a fault, or I'm Debbie Downer, confined to my bed because depression has crushed me into my mattress and I can only get up to stuff stupid carbs in my face and fall back into a coma of loathing and self-pity. I'm working with a new psychiatrist and I've seen the surgeon's food addiction/eating disorder counselor, and both have encouraged me to go back to treatment. That's all fine and dandy, but "ain't nobody got time for that!" Seriously, that would be a tremendous hassle added to a life that's already a hassle, so that's just not gonna happen right now.

So, do I get off my ass, lose another 40 pounds, and probably still hate myself and my body, or do I give up and face the fact that I'll always be fat, no matter what I do? Man, choices, choices!  

The Funky Stuff

Both mentally and physically, I've been feeling pretty rough lately. Actually, I'm lying. I'm a hot mess.  

Mentally, I've been cycling through periods of deep, dark, can't-get-out-of-bed depression and what I can only describe as hypomania. I'm definitely not full-on manic, thankfully. And honestly, hypomania feels pretty good. I just came out of a particularly rough depressive episode that brought serious physical symptoms along with it. I felt like I had been run over by a semi. But, about a week ago, I instantly felt better. Instantly. This has been a recurring theme and has definitely become my new normal pattern. 

When I'm down, everything goes to hell: my eating, my purging, my thought process, my self-esteem, my level of functioning, exercising, housework, etc. When I'm up, the world is my oyster; I am ON it. I'm back on my clean-eating/health/fitness mission, with a vengeance. I have phenomenal ideas for the future. My house is immaculate. I'm motivated, upbeat, personable, productive, more responsible, connected, present, and positive. I'm like a "normal", happy person. But, it's not going to last. And that's not just me being Negative Nancy, it's just how it is. So, for now I just enjoy the feeling of being normal while I can and take advantage of actually being able to accomplish things. I'm seeing a new psychiatrist next week, one who actually used to do pre-op evaluations for my bariatric surgeon's team, and I've also started seeing the surgeon's food addiction/eating disorder therapist. We'll see where this leads.

Physically, I've always had some odd/funky stuff going on, but nothing that I ever really thought much of. In fact, I thought most of it was pretty normal. I've always had "weird" vision. Not poor vision at all, but odd: clusters of floaters that look like ghost orbs in photographs or dust particles in a sunbeam, wavy vision that's like an aura without migraine pain, seeing colors. Dizziness, the occasional racing heart, a "black out" when I stand up too quickly. I was a fainter when I was younger and I've always been really clumsy and accident-prone. No biggie, right?

Lately, the balance and coordination issues have been really bad, to the point of doing the drunk stumble when I haven't been drinking. I'm constantly running into things and the acid trip vision and floaters are there all the time. I'm a little confused sometimes and my short term memory is basically nonexistent. The baby daddy is quite concerned and has been telling me I need a neurologist and an MRI of my brain for years. I've always taken it as a joke, hardy har har, but it might not be a bad idea.

My primary drew labs, referred me to neurology, and sent me for a stat appointment with an ophthalmologist last week. Vision is perfect, minus a few floaters, but not the kind I described to him. The labs are perfect. I saw my surgeon's M.D. dietitian on Tuesday, the one I initially told about the ED stuff last summer. She was really concerned about vitamin deficiency, particularly thiamine and Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome. But, the eight tubes of blood they took from me paints quite the rosy picture of health. She says my labs are probably the best of any of her patients, that I'm absorbing well, and that my B-12 and B-1 levels are actually high, meaning I can take my B-complex and sublingual B-12 every other day. So, she says we can rest assured that my symptoms aren't related to nutritional status. Hmm... 

Now I wait for neuro to call to schedule and hope that everything is ok in that aspect. I can't imagine anything truly being wrong with me. She did mention that she thought I should go back to treatment, but I think I convinced her that the new team should be a big help and that I'm really trying to get my shit together. I don't have time for that, even though it was a great program and I was doing pretty well while there. I'm really hoping that it's all just a medication issue that can be resolved with a little tweaking.

Cross your fingers for me, please!