The Fear of Failure

I honestly believe that a bit of fear can be a healthy motivator. But, at what point does that fear become a problem?  At what point does the fear invade all your thoughts, take over your rational thought process, and become the norm? I just might be at, or at least rapidly approaching, that point.

My clean eating lifestyle experiment is going really well. I might be more than a bit obsessive, but I feel great and I've dropped another five pounds. I've hit the gym hard and am lifting the "heavy weights", so I like to tell myself that I'd be down a few more pounds but that I'm building solid muscle. (In case you haven't noticed, I like to "tell myself" things quite a bit. I have this amazing/terrible ability to rationalize just about anything. Ask yourself, "WWVD? What would Vera do?" With my irrational ability to rationalize, you can essentially do whatever you want. It's both a blessing and a curse, but mainly a curse. Oops.)

Even with my new healthy habits becoming a lifestyle rather than a diet, I still let the fear of fat and failure drive me to freak out, follow "my rules" too well, binge, purge, hate myself, and do it all over again. I am terrified not only of being fat again, but also of still being fat. I'm scared that I've gone through all this, worked so hard, and that this is as thin as I'll get. I can't consider myself a true success if I'm still fat after gastric bypass. If I'm still fat, just over 180 pounds, how can I not be a failure? I hear everyone ooh and ahh over my "success", but I'm afraid that it's not permanent, that I'm destined to fail...again.

What...is...wrong...with...me? 

At least I've been honest about it, I guess. That should count for something, right? Baby Daddy knows my MO, but I don't think he really knows what to do with me. And honestly, what COULD he really do? So, I just try to do the best I can and not beat myself up because that never gets me anywhere but right back to the beginning of the cycle. 

What do you fear? Does it drive you in a good direction or toward the dark side? I'd love to hear how you deal with it, especially if you know how to beat it. Drop me a line in the comments or at bypassingbulimia@gmail.com and let me know if you have any secret super powers!

Getting Back on Track

I've felt myself slipping a bit lately and reverting back to some unhealthy behaviors and it's happening way too often.  *shame*  

After going back to work at the end of August, we have been so busy that all my after-treatment care plans have pretty much been put on hold.  I haven't had time to myself at all, and when I do, I have to sleep.  Not quite sure why, but I am beyond just exhausted.  I am tired in my bones.  I can't wake up with out venti redeye.  My labs look great, I'm not anemic, and I always eat at least 70-80 grams of protein every day.  I'm crazy strict about my vitamin regimen.  Maybe I'm not eating enough calories?  I'm pretty sure that I am and I always feel like I'm eating too much (ED thinking, for sure!). Yes, my sleep is broken due to beeping pumps and my daughter's needs, but I shouldn't be this tired.

Because of all this fun stuff and the fact that we're without a car, I hadn't seen my therapist since the beginning of August.  Oops!  I also see a prescriber at my therapist's office for all my "crazy meds", which I desperately need, and am required to see the therapist in clinic at least once a month to be able to keep them.  So, back to therapy I went today.  The good news is that she can see that I'm in a much, much better place psychologically than I was a few months ago and my husband totally agrees.  Lamictal is a good thing.  Hooray for mood stabilizers!  I feel so much more even, my anxiety is lower than it has been in many years, and I just feel better overall.  

But, I know that I am in no way "cured" of my mood disorder, depression, anxiety, eating disorder, etc.  Treatment was a huge step in the right direction and an enormous help, and the right meds are definitely helpful.  But, I know there is so much I need to work on in therapy that it's almost a little overwhelming to think about.  The list is pretty lengthy.  

We're planning to focus heavily on the ED and body image right now and take the rest in bits and pieces as they come up.  I'm going to blog all of my therapeutic writing assignments and I'll also continue to try to journal some of the daily struggles when I have time.  I need to focus on getting back on track and staying on track, because I can definitely see where I'm making mistakes, enforcing "rules" again, and reverting to purging.  *shame*  In addition to the mental stuff, I'm feeling some physical effects, too.  I think I might have an ulcer because of some nagging stomach pain and I've had some pretty serious nighttime reflux that I think may have actually caused me to aspirate last week.  My throat hurts and I have a yucky cough that I can't really get rid of, without actually being "sick".  Must I blame it all on my bad behavior or can I get away with a changing-weather-and-fall-allergies excuse?  Hmm...