♫ It's my surg-iversary ♫

Oh, so cheesy.  

Yesterday was my official one year surgi-versary. One year. It still feels like it was yesterday, but it feels like it was a million years ago at the same time. Such a cliche, but so true. Gastric bypass and the first year thereafter is a journey full of both physical and emotional changes that you'd never even expect, both good and bad.  

Mid-February 2011, I went to an information session with no plans, no preconceived notions, and an open mind. I left with plans for an initial appointment with the surgeon and a glimmer of hope that it might actually happen for me, that I might get to be "normal" again.  

In March, I weighed in at a whopping 327 pounds at that appointment and was mortified. At the end of May, I met with the medical team and the dietitian and started on an ultra-mega-low-cal pre-op diet (and a healthy dose of phentermine!) that would ultimately help me shed 35 pounds. Cleared for surgery, I thought November 29 would never come. I weighed 292 that day, exactly what I weighed the day I gave birth...five years prior. *shame*  

I've been through stalls, eating disorder treatment, and more run-ins with the scale than I even care to remember. I've obsessed, I've cried, and I've celebrated. I've been proud, I've been ashamed, and I've been unable to look in the mirror and not be critical.

Fast forward to the present. I'm down to 189.2, a number that I haven't seen in so long that I honestly never thought I'd see it again. I'm "ok". Well, ok-ish. I still obsess. I weigh myself every time I walk into the bathroom. I am fixated on food: how little can I eat, what I can and can't eat, what I shouldn't have eaten, etc. I obsess over loose skin, sagging and delated boobs, the batwings, and the hideous hanging stomach that is the bane of my existence. I dream of plastic surgery. How sick is that?

Looking ahead, I hope that this next year brings acceptance and a sense of peace. I hope to get to a healthy weight that I can sustain. I hope to see permanent changes in my relationship with food. I would like to shed my emotional reliance on food. I plan to continue therapy to really work on ALL my issues. I hope to have plans for plastic surgery. I also hope to find an exercise program that I really love and that I will stick with.  

Is that too much to hope for? I like to think it's not. I'm looking forward to the next year and I hope it treats me well. Hell, I hope I can treat myself well! That would be a first, so wish me luck on that one.

"You, alright! I learned it by watching you!"

Ahhh. One of my favorite public service announcements of all time.  

Not pot, though. 

More like a tray of cupcakes and a pan of brownies.

My mom, the most wonderful woman in the world, just left after a five day visit. *tears* She's beautiful, brilliant, hilarious, the best grandma anyone could ask for, and would do anything for anyone. She's been such a positive role model and I only wish now that I had taken more of her advice. But as a result of my decision to try to take control of my disordered eating and the fact that I'm an adult and more aware, I can see how her issues with food and body image have impacted me over the years.  

I listened to her put herself down almost continuously all week. She's struggled with her weight all of her adult life. I've watched her diet continuously over the years. I've listened to her lament, promise herself that she would change, and then drop the idea altogether. I've watched, listened, and absorbed. I've learned the habits, the negative self-talk, the wounded feelings, how to diet, how to criticize my body, and on and on. 

My father was incredibly critical and beyond hurtful. My mother put up with way too much and I can see how it has really worn down her self-esteem. I picked up on his hateful ways and his negativity and applied it to myself at an early age. 

Kids are so observant. They're like little sponges, absorbing both the good and the bad, unfortunately. Because my daughter is bionic and has lots of scars and "attachments"-feeding tube, backpack, permanent IV line, pacemaker, wheelchair- that make her different from other kids and therefore more likely to have self-esteem and body image issues down the line, I've made a conscious decision to try to limit her exposure to my negativity toward my body and myself. Try is definitely the key word there and I don't think I do a great job of modeling a positive body image. But, I try...most of the time.  

I hate that nothing changes from one generation to the next. Women will always battle these negative forces, both internal and external. And, I don't really see a good solution, unfortunately. I'd love to see the next generation be completely free of self-esteem issues, but it seems that girls are bombarded with messages earlier and earlier that influence how they think and feel about themselves and their bodies. 

I guess all we can do is try our best and hope that they don't pick up on the negative?