"You, alright! I learned it by watching you!"

Ahhh. One of my favorite public service announcements of all time.  

Not pot, though. 

More like a tray of cupcakes and a pan of brownies.

My mom, the most wonderful woman in the world, just left after a five day visit. *tears* She's beautiful, brilliant, hilarious, the best grandma anyone could ask for, and would do anything for anyone. She's been such a positive role model and I only wish now that I had taken more of her advice. But as a result of my decision to try to take control of my disordered eating and the fact that I'm an adult and more aware, I can see how her issues with food and body image have impacted me over the years.  

I listened to her put herself down almost continuously all week. She's struggled with her weight all of her adult life. I've watched her diet continuously over the years. I've listened to her lament, promise herself that she would change, and then drop the idea altogether. I've watched, listened, and absorbed. I've learned the habits, the negative self-talk, the wounded feelings, how to diet, how to criticize my body, and on and on. 

My father was incredibly critical and beyond hurtful. My mother put up with way too much and I can see how it has really worn down her self-esteem. I picked up on his hateful ways and his negativity and applied it to myself at an early age. 

Kids are so observant. They're like little sponges, absorbing both the good and the bad, unfortunately. Because my daughter is bionic and has lots of scars and "attachments"-feeding tube, backpack, permanent IV line, pacemaker, wheelchair- that make her different from other kids and therefore more likely to have self-esteem and body image issues down the line, I've made a conscious decision to try to limit her exposure to my negativity toward my body and myself. Try is definitely the key word there and I don't think I do a great job of modeling a positive body image. But, I try...most of the time.  

I hate that nothing changes from one generation to the next. Women will always battle these negative forces, both internal and external. And, I don't really see a good solution, unfortunately. I'd love to see the next generation be completely free of self-esteem issues, but it seems that girls are bombarded with messages earlier and earlier that influence how they think and feel about themselves and their bodies. 

I guess all we can do is try our best and hope that they don't pick up on the negative?