Happy Halloween!

If you wouldn't mind, pretty please, send a little voodoo magic my way to hopefully give me the strength to resist the urge to eat every piece of chocolate in my daughter's bag tonight. She's tube fed and couldn't care less about the candy part of Halloween, so the candy burden always falls on dad and me. Don't get me wrong...I LOVE it...but I absolutely in no way need chocolate around! I can't be trusted around chocolate of any kind, baked goods, or even cakey carby things that I don't like.  I become a monster and nothing is safe.  

Yep.  That's me with the fangs.

I'm planning to take what she and dad don't want to work with me, but there will still be almost a 24 hour window with candy in the house. I'm going to have to have him hide it, but the problem is that I WILL find it. Nothing can hide.

Wish me luck! Good luck to everyone facing the same temptation tonight and always. Sugar is the last thing we all need after weight loss surgery, but sometimes the temptation is just too hard to take and I cave. Do I want to regain anything? NO. Do I want to dump and feel like crap? Maybe, but only if it would totally deter me from ever being "bad" again. 

Don't.eat.the.candy!

F.R.E.A.M. and the 5DPT

Holy acronyms, Batman! Like cash to the Wu Tang Clan, food rules everything around me. Sigh.  

Because food is all I ever think about, I decided that I needed to do the 5DPT, the 5-Day Pouch Test. I was able to relate to all these fears:  

• Does my pouch still work?
• Have I broken my pouch?
• Am I doomed to be a failure at this, too?
• Can I lose the weight I've regained?
• Is the honeymoon over?

I was relying on too many "slider" foods: yogurt, cottage cheese, protein shakes. I had let way, way too many bad habits sneak in: eating freaking BREAD with gobs of honey butter at work, gorging myself on dessert (which promptly makes me throw up violently and feel like pure hell, yet I can't control myself), eating way too often, grazing. I thought I should try to teach myself to be "ok" with the full feeling of eating solid protein, like meat, with the hope that it would keep me full and keep me from making bad food choices. I have had such a hard time with meat, partly anatomically but mostly mentally. I've always been "funny" about meat and was a vegetarian for a long time, but after surgery, I found that I couldn't eat meat without pain and puking. After going through treatment, I realized that it was probably, at least partially, another way to subconsciously restrict. Blah.

So, how did that work out for me? I'll let you guess, lol.  

The first day was rough...really rough.  But, I DID IT.  I made it through the entire day on nothing but shakes, water, coffee, and iced tea. The second day started out really well, but by about 8:00 at work that night, I was STARVING.  Despite consuming a ridiculous amount of protein powder, water, tea, coffee, etc., I felt like crap and just couldn't keep on keepin' on. I gave in and ate bread. It's there, it stares me in the face, and it was so easy to just grab to get *something* into my system. I did finish off the night by eating 5 oz. of seared scallops for some good solid protein, but I felt like a total failure because I couldn't even do TWO of the five days. How lame!

So, even though I kinda screwed up, I'm still trying. I want to feel that tightness and I need to know that I'm not eating too much. What I really need to know is whether or not I've completely ruined my pouch with all the puking. It makes me so nervous. I feel like I can hold too much food. I have some weird pain in weird place at weird times, like any time I'm straining and sometimes when I'm not. It's like a pulling or tearing. That makes me worry...a lot. I also think I feel an ulcer. I need to see my surgeon's office soon and I think I'm going to ask for both a scope and a barium study. Something just doesn't feel right.  

I will be SO upset with myself if I've screwed up my surgery by being stupid and resorting to "behaviors" to deal with things, but really, I can't help it. I try so hard, but sometimes, I just can't deal and that's the only way to make things "all better". I try to use the coping tactics I've learned, but even with the best intentions, I still seem to screw up more often than not. Hate it.   

Shopping and Self-Esteem

No pun intended, but I have finally "purged" my closet of all the fat clothes, leaving me with absolutely nothing at all to wear.  

Left in the closet were a pair of size 16 Old Navy jeans and a few XL Old Navy shirts that were literally hanging off me.  It was a great feeling, but at the same time, I've been so hesitant to take the leap and get rid of everything that it also left me feeling a bit panicked.  Add to that the fact that my shopping and clothing options have been so limited for so long that I don't even know how to shop anymore.  I have no idea "who" I am or what my style is like, yet here I am attempting to build an entire new wardrobe.  Exciting, expensive, slightly terrifying, and (horribly) fluorescent-lit.  

My first purchase that really blew my mind was a pair of knee-high boots that I bought a few weeks ago.  NEVER have I been able to wear boots, because of my enormous calves, so this was absolutely huge.  Yesterday, I bought new jeans...at American Eagle!  I was shocked to be able to buy size 14 skinny jeans and then follow it all up with a big H&M spree today.  I got some great stuff, mainly basics, but definitely a good start for someone with next to nothing.  I've also got at least another 30 pounds to lose, so a good transitional wardrobe was key.  

So, I should be really excited, right?  I should feel confident and cute in my new smaller clothes, right?  But, I don't.  

Looking in the mirror is like full-on trauma.  Oh, the SKIN!  I am saggy and wrinkly, pale and lumpy.  Trying on new bras today was exceptionally traumatic.  As I attempted to fold and stuff the former J-cups into a DD, I watched as extra skin and fat shifted and bulged and overflowed.  W...T...F?  How am I supposed to feel good about myself when this gnarliness is what I'm working with?  My upper thighs are disgusting, yes, but my stomach is another story altogether.  The fanny-pack-skin-fat-apron-thing that hangs from my lower stomach over my hooha (really called a pannus) is horrendous.  I could probably wear pants that were like four sizes smaller if the stupid thing would just dry up and fall off or something.  Oh, how I hate it, yet there's not a thing in the world that I can do about it right now.  Until my weight has dropped and been stable for about six months, generally 18-24 months after surgery, I can't have a panniculectomy and abdominoplasty (tummy tuck).  Fabulous.

Then I start thinking about all the other surgeries I'll need.  Now that my face is so much smaller, my already-sizeable nose looks absolutely enormous.  Maybe I need rhinoplasty.  The boobs definitely need to be reduced, lifted, and implanted, along with some lipo and skin removal around the sides/back/armpit areas.  I think I might need a full lower body lift, to be honest.  The thighs are just not going to bounce back at all, but I do hope that I can build muscle in my arms to sort of fill in the hanging "bat wings".  I refuse to have terrible "Oprah arms" and will have an upper body lift if it comes down to it.  Hopefully I won't end up with a hanging turkey neck.  *shudder*  I really would rather not have to have a face lift or anything like that.  I would prefer not to look like Joan Rivers, thankyouverymuch.  

Gobble gobble!

The craziest part about all this shopping-induced body image hysteria?  I've always been pretty against plastic surgery!  Ha!  How quickly my tune changes when I'm faced with yards and yards of excess hanging skin!  Let's just hope that the shape wear I purchased today, along with my new clothes and dreams of thinness, will be enough to help me through the next eight to twelve months until I can make the whole surgery shebang come to fruition.  

Getting Back on Track

I've felt myself slipping a bit lately and reverting back to some unhealthy behaviors and it's happening way too often.  *shame*  

After going back to work at the end of August, we have been so busy that all my after-treatment care plans have pretty much been put on hold.  I haven't had time to myself at all, and when I do, I have to sleep.  Not quite sure why, but I am beyond just exhausted.  I am tired in my bones.  I can't wake up with out venti redeye.  My labs look great, I'm not anemic, and I always eat at least 70-80 grams of protein every day.  I'm crazy strict about my vitamin regimen.  Maybe I'm not eating enough calories?  I'm pretty sure that I am and I always feel like I'm eating too much (ED thinking, for sure!). Yes, my sleep is broken due to beeping pumps and my daughter's needs, but I shouldn't be this tired.

Because of all this fun stuff and the fact that we're without a car, I hadn't seen my therapist since the beginning of August.  Oops!  I also see a prescriber at my therapist's office for all my "crazy meds", which I desperately need, and am required to see the therapist in clinic at least once a month to be able to keep them.  So, back to therapy I went today.  The good news is that she can see that I'm in a much, much better place psychologically than I was a few months ago and my husband totally agrees.  Lamictal is a good thing.  Hooray for mood stabilizers!  I feel so much more even, my anxiety is lower than it has been in many years, and I just feel better overall.  

But, I know that I am in no way "cured" of my mood disorder, depression, anxiety, eating disorder, etc.  Treatment was a huge step in the right direction and an enormous help, and the right meds are definitely helpful.  But, I know there is so much I need to work on in therapy that it's almost a little overwhelming to think about.  The list is pretty lengthy.  

We're planning to focus heavily on the ED and body image right now and take the rest in bits and pieces as they come up.  I'm going to blog all of my therapeutic writing assignments and I'll also continue to try to journal some of the daily struggles when I have time.  I need to focus on getting back on track and staying on track, because I can definitely see where I'm making mistakes, enforcing "rules" again, and reverting to purging.  *shame*  In addition to the mental stuff, I'm feeling some physical effects, too.  I think I might have an ulcer because of some nagging stomach pain and I've had some pretty serious nighttime reflux that I think may have actually caused me to aspirate last week.  My throat hurts and I have a yucky cough that I can't really get rid of, without actually being "sick".  Must I blame it all on my bad behavior or can I get away with a changing-weather-and-fall-allergies excuse?  Hmm...

A little gratitude

Because I feel like I do nothing but whine and complain here, I thought I'd share a few things I'm grateful for.  I hate feeling like Debbie Downer.  Wah waahhhh.  

I'll spare you all the lovey-dovey mushy stuff and the obvious, like my amazingly tolerant and patient husband and the coolest kid on the planet, my family, and our off-kilter sense of humor.  

1.  Losing a whole other person.  I've lost DOUBLE what my child weighs.  I'm 126 pounds down now and it feels fantastic.  I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to have gastric bypass, that I was healthy enough to have it, and that I've had NO complications after surgery.  

2.  Self-awareness and my ED treatment program.  They were so kind, it was so supportive, and beyond eye-opening.  Six weeks was nowhere near enough and I honestly could have stayed there indefinitely to work on myself.  I am so much more aware now, in every respect.  Aware of how I was/am hurting myself, aware of WHY I was/am hurting myself, and aware of what I can DO about it.  I am so much more mindful now:  of my eating, of my choices, of the "rules" I impose upon myself, of my feelings, of my actions, of my inaction.  

3.  My surgeon's office.  They are so amazing.  When I felt like I was in trouble for opening up about the ED and what I was doing to myself, they didn't react at all the way I had imagined they would.  Instead, they were kind, treated me with respect, and made sure I knew that they were on my side and would help me through it.  

4.  Knee-high boots!  I was FINALLY able to buy a pair and I am so proud.  I want to wear them all the time, just because I CAN!

5.  Flirting!  Waiting tables has given my some of my mojo back and I feel pretty good again, especially when cute young boys are flirting.  LOVE IT.  I still feel like anyone staring is staring at the 330 pound me, like I'm some sort of freak, but I'm working on thinking that they're possibly thinking, "That chick is hot!"  At least I hope that's what they're thinking!   

I promise to try to do this a little more often and keep the whining and bitching to more of a minimum.  Most of the time, lol.