New Year, new me?

I'm baaaaaaack. And just as neurotic, if not more so, than ever. Woohoo.  

December was a tough month for me. Cookies, candy, drinks, food, more cookies. I finally experienced true dumping syndrome, and while you'd think that would have deterred my cookie consumption, it did not. In fact, I think it made me crave all the crap even MORE, despite how horrendously awful I felt. Now I'm finding that there are quite a few things that make me feel pretty rough, yet I continue to eat them and binge on them. Why? Do I enjoy the symptoms on some subconscious level, maybe as a form of self-abuse? Nausea, vomiting, fullness, dizziness, hot flashes, sweating, confusion, fatigue, heart palpitations. Sounds like a blast, huh?  So, why do I do this to myself? Bypass masochism?

I've also come to realize how much I detest feeling full. I hate the feeling of being hungry, yet I think I hate the feeling of being full even more. Nothing will send me running for the bathroom in order to get rid of that feeling faster than being full. Even if it's a meal I feel particularly good about eating, like chicken and asparagus, if I feel full, I can't take it. And again, I know what I need to do: sloooooooow dowwwwwn, chew chew CHEW, and be mindful of the entire experience rather than shoving food in my face.  

That's me, be it ketchup, frosting, or hollandaise.

I don't really make resolutions because I don't ever keep them. Ever. I find that it only serves to frustrate and demotivate me to fail. So, in 2013 I'm just putting it out there that I would like to practice mindfulness, not that I resolve to do it. This way, when I fail, I (hopefully) won't be inclined to just say, "Fuck it all!" 

I would also like to lose another 30 pounds. I've decided that 160 pounds sounds like a great final goal weight and I'm bound and determined to get there. Again, I would like to do it the healthy way: stick to my plan, get my butt back into the gym, and be ACTIVE. Wish me luck on this one!