Less than...

"Less than" has been a recurring theme throughout my life: feeling less than worthy, feeling less than beautiful, feeling less than I should be or could be. 

Verajust about everything.

However, right now, less than has taken on its most positive meaning in my life.

I officially weigh LESS THAN my husband. Can I get a big ol' "HELL YEAH!" on that one, please???

I weighed in this morning at 185.9 pounds, the lowest number I've seen on the scale in a very, very long time. I've had an epiphany of sorts and I want to be happy. I want to be healthy and STRONG. I am driven and I am going to achieve. 

Yes, I have promised myself this so many times over the years. In fact, I've been making this promise to myself for over 20 years. However, something has changed and it has motivated me more than my desire to be thin, my love/hate/obsessive relationship with food, and my personal shame combined. Is this just a manic episode driving me? Maybe. But, I really don't think so.

My mom recently discovered a heart problem that I can almost guarantee is directly related to being overweight/obese, having high blood pressure, and possibly having had an "event"/minor heart attack. She's only 55 and is the rock of the family. She has GOT to make some serious health and lifestyle changes because I NEED HER. So, even though I'm over 1,500 miles away, I'm on a mission to do it with her and be a motivator and partner in crime. 

I've tried to get her to at least consider bariatric surgery in some form, especially a sleeve gastrectomy since there's no re-routing of the intestines or possibility of complications from vitamin deficiency/etc. Alas, it's a no-go. She's steadfastly against it, says she's "too old", and throws out every excuse in the book. Ok, so then do something, right? Like I've said before, she has struggled with her weight all her adult life and I've followed suit. But, now is the time for us to both get our shit together, stop the negative cycles, and make the commitment to our health. Damn, maybe I have a career in motivational speaking in my future?

"We-e-e-elll...la-de-freakin'-da!" 

I got one of these little guys for Christmas and I am in love. When I'm being "good" and active, he smiles at me and even winks. When I'm being lazy, I get a frowny face and he even sticks his tongue out at me. We've affectionately named him "Fitbitch" and I think my husband is even slightly jealous, as I've taken the Fitbit instruction's suggestion and keep him clipped in my bra all the time. I sent one to my mom so we can be friends on the website and have a little friendly competition. I hope she loves him as much as I do. I swear, he forces me to strive for as many steps as possible every.single.day. My Fitbit is Vera-tested and approved!  

Another mission I'm on is to make the Eat Clean Diet my way of life. I have been there and done that with every fad diet that has ever been on the market. This just makes sense to me. I try to be as organic and "crunchy granola" as I possibly can and this follows that whole premise and takes it a bit further. Can I go super hardcore and never screw up? No. I am prone to blowing it and I think I can accept that I will not be 100% "clean" all the time. Like Christina Aguilera, I am a "dirty girl", after all. But, I ordered some books and resources and I'm on a mission. Wish me luck! I'm hoping to inspire my mom to adopt the same even a few days a week. She also has a vegan friend who has worked to inspire plant-based change, so I'm hoping that our "it takes a village" approach will keep us both on track.

All in all, I feel pretty good right now. Again, is this a manic cycle? I really, really hope not. With this post as a kickoff, I'll try to update as much as possible and document progress and mental/emotional progress, too. Here we go!

New Year, new me?

I'm baaaaaaack. And just as neurotic, if not more so, than ever. Woohoo.  

December was a tough month for me. Cookies, candy, drinks, food, more cookies. I finally experienced true dumping syndrome, and while you'd think that would have deterred my cookie consumption, it did not. In fact, I think it made me crave all the crap even MORE, despite how horrendously awful I felt. Now I'm finding that there are quite a few things that make me feel pretty rough, yet I continue to eat them and binge on them. Why? Do I enjoy the symptoms on some subconscious level, maybe as a form of self-abuse? Nausea, vomiting, fullness, dizziness, hot flashes, sweating, confusion, fatigue, heart palpitations. Sounds like a blast, huh?  So, why do I do this to myself? Bypass masochism?

I've also come to realize how much I detest feeling full. I hate the feeling of being hungry, yet I think I hate the feeling of being full even more. Nothing will send me running for the bathroom in order to get rid of that feeling faster than being full. Even if it's a meal I feel particularly good about eating, like chicken and asparagus, if I feel full, I can't take it. And again, I know what I need to do: sloooooooow dowwwwwn, chew chew CHEW, and be mindful of the entire experience rather than shoving food in my face.  

That's me, be it ketchup, frosting, or hollandaise.

I don't really make resolutions because I don't ever keep them. Ever. I find that it only serves to frustrate and demotivate me to fail. So, in 2013 I'm just putting it out there that I would like to practice mindfulness, not that I resolve to do it. This way, when I fail, I (hopefully) won't be inclined to just say, "Fuck it all!" 

I would also like to lose another 30 pounds. I've decided that 160 pounds sounds like a great final goal weight and I'm bound and determined to get there. Again, I would like to do it the healthy way: stick to my plan, get my butt back into the gym, and be ACTIVE. Wish me luck on this one!