Left in the closet were a pair of size 16 Old Navy jeans and a few XL Old Navy shirts that were literally hanging off me. It was a great feeling, but at the same time, I've been so hesitant to take the leap and get rid of everything that it also left me feeling a bit panicked. Add to that the fact that my shopping and clothing options have been so limited for so long that I don't even know how to shop anymore. I have no idea "who" I am or what my style is like, yet here I am attempting to build an entire new wardrobe. Exciting, expensive, slightly terrifying, and (horribly) fluorescent-lit.
My first purchase that really blew my mind was a pair of knee-high boots that I bought a few weeks ago. NEVER have I been able to wear boots, because of my enormous calves, so this was absolutely huge. Yesterday, I bought new jeans...at American Eagle! I was shocked to be able to buy size 14 skinny jeans and then follow it all up with a big H&M spree today. I got some great stuff, mainly basics, but definitely a good start for someone with next to nothing. I've also got at least another 30 pounds to lose, so a good transitional wardrobe was key.
So, I should be really excited, right? I should feel confident and cute in my new smaller clothes, right? But, I don't.
Looking in the mirror is like full-on trauma. Oh, the SKIN! I am saggy and wrinkly, pale and lumpy. Trying on new bras today was exceptionally traumatic. As I attempted to fold and stuff the former J-cups into a DD, I watched as extra skin and fat shifted and bulged and overflowed. W...T...F? How am I supposed to feel good about myself when this gnarliness is what I'm working with? My upper thighs are disgusting, yes, but my stomach is another story altogether. The fanny-pack-skin-fat-apron-thing that hangs from my lower stomach over my hooha (really called a pannus) is horrendous. I could probably wear pants that were like four sizes smaller if the stupid thing would just dry up and fall off or something. Oh, how I hate it, yet there's not a thing in the world that I can do about it right now. Until my weight has dropped and been stable for about six months, generally 18-24 months after surgery, I can't have a panniculectomy and abdominoplasty (tummy tuck). Fabulous.
Then I start thinking about all the other surgeries I'll need. Now that my face is so much smaller, my already-sizeable nose looks absolutely enormous. Maybe I need rhinoplasty. The boobs definitely need to be reduced, lifted, and implanted, along with some lipo and skin removal around the sides/back/armpit areas. I think I might need a full lower body lift, to be honest. The thighs are just not going to bounce back at all, but I do hope that I can build muscle in my arms to sort of fill in the hanging "bat wings". I refuse to have terrible "Oprah arms" and will have an upper body lift if it comes down to it. Hopefully I won't end up with a hanging turkey neck. *shudder* I really would rather not have to have a face lift or anything like that. I would prefer not to look like Joan Rivers, thankyouverymuch.
Gobble gobble!
The craziest part about all this shopping-induced body image hysteria? I've always been pretty against plastic surgery! Ha! How quickly my tune changes when I'm faced with yards and yards of excess hanging skin! Let's just hope that the shape wear I purchased today, along with my new clothes and dreams of thinness, will be enough to help me through the next eight to twelve months until I can make the whole surgery shebang come to fruition.
Have you thought about using spandex? It is not that uncomfortable and smooths out our lumps. Are you dressing for your old size/shape or your new one? Take a fashion forward but honest friend shopping with you next time. Together you can find stuff that fits you better and makes you feel sexy.
ReplyDeleteI did break down and buy some shapewear to try. It really does help and now I almost feel "naked" without it, if that makes sense. I'm just wearing the shaping tanks, although I could probably use a full-body shaping unitard, lol. But they definitely smooth out the pouchy fat on my abdomen and hold in all the loose jiggling skin. I love that it makes things look so much smoother under clothes, but it is definitely false advertising! I have a pair of shaping boy shorts that I like, but wearing the two together makes me feel like I'm suffocating and I can't do it for long periods.
DeleteI did some shopping and found some stuff that makes me feel young and cute again, which is a major plus. I've been watching people on the streets and scouring magazines to try to really put my own style together again. Kinda fun, but hard at the same time!