F.R.E.A.M. and the 5DPT

Holy acronyms, Batman! Like cash to the Wu Tang Clan, food rules everything around me. Sigh.  

Because food is all I ever think about, I decided that I needed to do the 5DPT, the 5-Day Pouch Test. I was able to relate to all these fears:  

• Does my pouch still work?
• Have I broken my pouch?
• Am I doomed to be a failure at this, too?
• Can I lose the weight I've regained?
• Is the honeymoon over?

I was relying on too many "slider" foods: yogurt, cottage cheese, protein shakes. I had let way, way too many bad habits sneak in: eating freaking BREAD with gobs of honey butter at work, gorging myself on dessert (which promptly makes me throw up violently and feel like pure hell, yet I can't control myself), eating way too often, grazing. I thought I should try to teach myself to be "ok" with the full feeling of eating solid protein, like meat, with the hope that it would keep me full and keep me from making bad food choices. I have had such a hard time with meat, partly anatomically but mostly mentally. I've always been "funny" about meat and was a vegetarian for a long time, but after surgery, I found that I couldn't eat meat without pain and puking. After going through treatment, I realized that it was probably, at least partially, another way to subconsciously restrict. Blah.

So, how did that work out for me? I'll let you guess, lol.  

The first day was rough...really rough.  But, I DID IT.  I made it through the entire day on nothing but shakes, water, coffee, and iced tea. The second day started out really well, but by about 8:00 at work that night, I was STARVING.  Despite consuming a ridiculous amount of protein powder, water, tea, coffee, etc., I felt like crap and just couldn't keep on keepin' on. I gave in and ate bread. It's there, it stares me in the face, and it was so easy to just grab to get *something* into my system. I did finish off the night by eating 5 oz. of seared scallops for some good solid protein, but I felt like a total failure because I couldn't even do TWO of the five days. How lame!

So, even though I kinda screwed up, I'm still trying. I want to feel that tightness and I need to know that I'm not eating too much. What I really need to know is whether or not I've completely ruined my pouch with all the puking. It makes me so nervous. I feel like I can hold too much food. I have some weird pain in weird place at weird times, like any time I'm straining and sometimes when I'm not. It's like a pulling or tearing. That makes me worry...a lot. I also think I feel an ulcer. I need to see my surgeon's office soon and I think I'm going to ask for both a scope and a barium study. Something just doesn't feel right.  

I will be SO upset with myself if I've screwed up my surgery by being stupid and resorting to "behaviors" to deal with things, but really, I can't help it. I try so hard, but sometimes, I just can't deal and that's the only way to make things "all better". I try to use the coping tactics I've learned, but even with the best intentions, I still seem to screw up more often than not. Hate it.