Opening Up

INVITATION If you are a dreamer, come in. If you are a dreamer, a wisher, a liar, A hope-er, a pray-er, a magic bean buyer . . . If you're a pretender, come sit by my fire, For we have some flax golden tales to spin. Come in! Come in! -Shel Silverstein

Come in, come in!  Welcome to a dark little corner of my life. Ok, so maybe it's a little bigger than just a corner. Not quite as big as a guest room, since no one would ever want to stay in here...on purpose, at least. Maybe a den? Either way, it's (slowly) becoming a smaller and smaller space, occupying less of my mind, my time, and my life. As I open the door to the closet and let (most) of the skeletons pour out, I'll open the shades and let in the light so I can see myself a bit better. You, lucky you...you'll get to come along for the ride.  

This blog will chronicle my lifelong battles with food addiction, binge eating, body image, and bulimia. I had roux en y gastric bypass surgery (RNY) on November 29, 2011, naively expecting it to be the supreme road to happiness and weight control, and have lost over 120 pounds so far this year. However, I realized that the old demons had managed to sneak back into my life, manifesting themselves in more and more covert ways. I entered eating disorder treatment in July 2012 and completed six weeks in August. Am I "cured"? Of course not. Am I in a better place than I was? Absolutely.  

The content will definitely not always be pretty, of that I can assure you. But, I promise that I will always present my stories and my ramblings with absolute honesty. My main goal in opening up and putting it all out here is to be able to help those who are walking the same path, since I know I cannot be the only one dealing with disordered eating after weight loss surgery. My surgeon's office claims that most people turn to alcohol or drug addiction as a substitute for food addiction after surgery, but I know disordered eating after surgery has to be way more prevalent than anyone knows or cares to admit. Honestly, you don't get to over 300 pounds and the point of needing your insides rearranged to manage your weight without some form of disordered eating. If you really think about it, the eating plan and way of life after surgery are all about eating disorder behaviors: constant weighing and measuring, restricting carbs, tiny portions, etc. I just hope that I can maybe convince anyone considering surgery to be extremely honest with themselves about the "why" of their problem with obesity BEFORE surgery.  

Even though I was completely open about my history both with my surgeon and at the pre-surgery psychological evaluation, I don't think anyone could have predicted how I would respond to life after surgery. Body image issues, which everyone has, are amplified to an extreme. Sagging, drooping, extra skin, hair loss. Even though the compliments keep coming, the negative thoughts seemed to outnumber them 10:1. Oh, how I wish someone would have forced me into treatment before surgery, if not 15 or so years ago. Of course, hindsight is 20/20. But, if I can help even one person face the facts and get help, sharing my story will be fulfilling and worthwhile. It's not easy to open up, even anonymously, but I need to do this for myself as much as I hope to be able to help someone else.  

So, follow along for all the "fun". I'll let it all out, work on recovery, and continue working on my weight loss to get to a strong and HEALTHY weight.  I'll laugh, I'll cry, I'll bitch and moan. And, I always promise to take it one day at a time.  

It's all I can do.