Tackling Treatment

After spilling my (rearranged) guts at the intake interview and leaving feeling like they wouldn't take me, like I was "too crazy" for just an ED program, the director called to let me know that my insurance had approved without any hassle and that my carrier mandated that I start within two days of approval. Yikes! At this point, I was freaking out and trying to back pedal. "Oh, it's not that bad. I'm totally overreacting and exaggerating. I don't have a "real" problem." Um...yeah right.  

They had me start in a "partial hospitalization" outpatient program that ran from 8:00 am to 2:00 pm. It was a real stretch to be away from my daughter for that amount of time, not to mention the stress it put on us as a family in terms of running around, juggling schedules, childcare, etc. Plus, it seemed to be mostly patients who needed the structure and intense supervision to be able to eat real regular meals, whereas I had the opposite problem. I needed supervision to keep me from eating, lol.

But, as I spent a few more days in the program, I began to realize just how disordered my eating and thinking really are. I say "are" because I am in no way "cured". I am in a much, much better place than I was before treatment, but I still have such a long way to go. I slip up. I slip up too often. I had a really bad "slip up" on Friday and I felt horrible, but I reminded myself that it's OK, that it's not the end of the world. A few weeks ago, I found the most amazing quote in a fortune cookie and had to tape it to my refrigerator to use as a personal mantra:  

One. Day. At. A. Time. It's all I can do.  I have to remind myself of this over and over...and over and over.  

Even though I wasn't the sort of patient they typically saw, they were absolutely wonderful and worked around my dietary needs, scheduling needs, and emotional needs to figure out what would be the best fit for me. We finally decided that their intensive outpatient night program would be the best place for me. I came to enjoy it and look forward to my nights there, with people who "got it". While they may not have been able to relate to the issues that bypass presents, we were joined by the feelings, the underlying issues, the negative beliefs, the lack of self-esteem, the self-hatred, the never-ending barrage of the ED voice. Because when you really break it down, no matter the eating disorder diagnosis, aren't we're all the same at heart? Broken-hearted, sad, desperate, shamed, angry, scared...  

I'll delve deeper into the nitty gritty of my time in treatment as we go along and I'll share a lot of what we worked on in group, as well as the some of the more private writing I've done over the past few months. There will be positive, but there will be a lot of negative, too. I'm tired of sugar-coating and pretending to be OK. I've done it for so long that I'm not sure if I even know the "real me".  Admitting that I needed help to battle my ED is but one piece of the puzzle, yet it's one that has really made me so much more self-aware and I know that this realization is going to be key to my long-term success after bypass. I want to keep this weight off so desperately. I cannot go back to where I was. The fear of failure is a strong driving force, both in terms of recovery and staying healthy and also in favor of retaining the ED behaviors. I go back and forth between needing to be rid of my ED and desperately trying to hold on to my habits for fear of regaining any weight.  Such a double-edged sword, but that's definitely a topic that deserves its own post.